Chase (v): To follow rapidly in order to catch (this could pertain to my career), to go and follow in pursuit (I think I’ll assign this to love)

I wish I had a PhD in life, unfortunately I don’t. It’s a hard thing to do and being an independent woman in Boston doesn’t make it any easier; I’m a triple A, work till I drop, laugh a lot because I can, walk fast, talk fast kinda girl. I do it all and I do it in 5 inch heels.

You would think navigating a career and a new relationship while breaking the age barrier of 30 would be as easy as getting home in a timely manner during a sox-yankees series (this ladies and gents is sarcasm at its finest). However it is not and I am stumbling through this cray cray life one day at a time with a iPhone in one hand and a glass of wine in the other.

These are my daily musings; my everyday observations. I am here to rave, rant , tell my stories and perhaps laugh at those times when wine and over priced shoes, tears just aren’t enough.

So what happens after you caught Prince Charming? You could say I’m still Chasing Boston.

Friday, September 19, 2014

This Thing On???

Check One Two! So it’s been roughly 3 years since I wrote anything on there, which is fine I guess. I’m still getting traffic from random German mail-order bride websites so….ill consider that a high mark on the “I’m still relevant” scale. And before you say anything, yes I absolutely know that they are lifting my photo to con some rich American to buy his bride and you know what…I don’t give a shit. If my photo enables the asylum of some way hotter German woman to come to this great country in search of opportunities and sexual freedom then so be it!

So things that are new; (I kind of feel like I’m on a first date here!) We bought a house, yeah that guy I mentioned way back in in October of 2012 well; we are engaged now with a mutual investment in some property. The passing of papers and the writing of the biggest check ever in my bank account history took place about 6 months ago. The get-down-on-one-knee happened about 2 months ago. So we did things a little backwards; I’m cool with it, he’s cool with it, we’re happy. That’s pretty much all that is new, not to downplay our lives as having, owning and maintaining a house is stupid hard, but it’s also just as gratifying (most days). The gist is that, for now, our lives are rotating around the 4 bedroom, 3 bathroom space that our mail gets delivered to and our paycheck gets dumped into.

We closed in 3 weeks at the end of March and the day after I felt like I accidentally stumbled into “Adult” land and let me tell you something, it’s TERRIFYING. Not only is it terrifying but it’s exhausting. I run on about 1000 cylinders all day and the second I get home I crash. Not only is it physically exhausting (literally running around) but it’s mentally exhausting.  The commute in my past life consisted of strolling down Newbury glancing into shiny windows at things I couldn’t afford and googling how I could pair burgundy booties with my dark denim. Now I’m googling “Why does the garbage disposal sound like it could possibly be transforming into a Decepticon?”, “What is this green shit coming out of the washing machine?”  And “What are the chances that the groundhog is single and isn’t housing an entire heard of groundhog babies under our porch??” The answer to that last one is Slim to none since said groundhog babies have been spotted on various occasions DAMMIT!!!

However after all of the days stress, slow commute on 93, cleaning a house and eating dinner at 9:30 at night because I couldn’t fit it in before then, there is this moment that happens; I sit on the couch and glance out the window, over our porch and down the hill. I watch the sun set over whatever skyline is a bit north of the city and I realize that where I’m sitting is home and that it’s ours…..for at least the next 30 years. 

Monday, July 1, 2013

Episode 20: Ben there Raped that…

So as I previously announced that I was receiving psychotic emails from a person named Ben Rapley (I originally posted his name was Rapely but alas it is not; I will however continue to call him that mostly because that is exactly what he did to my inbox) 

I came into work on Monday the 27th and had received a push notification that I had some unread email in this email account that I haven’t checked in FOOORREEVVER. I immediately click on my inbox and see this:

My first thought was "Why is Amanda Bynes sending me emails?!" Then I clicked it open ( YES for those of who are thinking…”uhhh idiot it was probably a scam or a virus” I challenge you to find the same thing and not open it)

Email 1: This starts out pretty innocent, I mean I kind of feel bad for the fellow, WILL I ever speak to him again?

Email 2: Ok he is obviously getting frustrated now, but he’s gonna “swear down” whatever that means

Email 3: Ben's anger has taken over his ability to think rationally. He is one angry spice and he is going to let me know it because it’s ALL IN CAPS!!!!!

Email 4: He forgot his closer in the last email so he’s sending another one…big girl? (Cue: my ex-boyfriend thinks I’m faaaaat!!!)

Email 5: Thank GOD he is giving me 1 month to cool off!! I for sure, need some space after emails 1-4

Email 6: I think Ben is feeling out of the loop, he needs to know now and apparently has reneged his offer for the 1 month cool off

I sent an email politely explaining that He has me confused with someone else...he choose to ignore that.

Email 7: It’s a new day and he is obviously not approving of my facebook friend list, but because he is such a good friend he is going to tell me some very hard news that he thinks I should know.

Email 8: I’m getting the feeling that he is SUPER pissed about Nathan

Email 9: Ben has now morphed into Chris Brown, but he called me “love” so he still must care right?

Email 10: I call this the sting email “every move you maaaaake, Ill be watching you”

I finally sent a secondary email saying “Dude, seriously you are filling up my inbox” and then I got this:

Email 11: This is the best “ I know I sounded crazy….but I love you” NO Hunny you didn't sound crazy, you ARE crazy...

I hate to tell you Ben, but WEEEE....are NEVER EVER GETTING BACK ever, mostly because you are clearly coo coo for cocoa puffs, but also because your grammar is horrible, Oh and there was that time you call me an ugly cunt (Please reference Email 8). On behalf of your Courtney, Myself and every other Courtney; Go Screw.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Where In The World Is Courtney Smith

So, where have I been the last 10 months? I wish I could regale you with tales of luxurious travel and exotic romance…..Actually I CAN regale you with tales of luxurious travel and exotic romance which we will get into much later, BUT the real reason I haven’t been around is that yes I found a somebody. A GREAT somebody and didn’t really know how to handle this whole “So I have a dating blog NOW what??” In pure adult form, I decided to just sweep it under the rug until I had that light bulb moment of clarity, which has yet to happen, but what is very clear is that my life is amazingly hysterical so why not continue to write about it?!

The truth is I have been adjusting to this new world I’m in; living on my own, obsessing about the fact that I literally just put my foot in the door to my 30’s and I still don’t have a kitchen table forcing me to eat all of my meals either on the floor on my ottoman (by far the most expensive piece of furniture in my place) or on my bed. I’m trying to get acclimated to working a normal schedule, re-discovering my social life and trying to be the best partner I can, which doesn’t always work out in my favor but it’s a process just like anything else. The best part about this blog gig is that I get to write about all aspects of not only my nights, but my days too, and maybe I’ll add in some throw back dating stories, because there are a TON still locked in the vault (not a ton as in, wow she’s such a mega slut that she dated like a bazillion people…but you know what I mean)

The last year has been an incredible adventure; there has been travel, there has growth, there have been stupid moments and hysterical moments, multiple bottles of wine have been consumed, many evenings with unending laughter and most of all there has been living.  Where I feel like I have caught up with exactly where I should be, there is so much more in this life that I need to grasp. So.....

The chase is still on!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Season 3: Episode 19: “You Spin Me Right Round Baby”

My day job consists of 2 things: commuting through the suit jungle of downtown and (as I like to say) Bossing around 3 Corporate VIP’s. I was super hesitant to get on the 8am train to Corporate America for one particular reason; nothing in my wardrobe was really professionally appropriate. I’m lucky that I work in a small office where we are the rebel step child of big brother, so my purple taffeta mini gets much mileage, as do my 6in velvet platform T-straps, not at the same time of course….Moving on!!

It was a Tuesday and I was in full commute mode through downtown crossing. I was strategizing my day and rocking out to Huey Lewis & The News, when I realized a semi tall, semi good looking guy walking semi behind me. It took a few blocks to notice that every time we crossed the street he would move to either the left or right, depending on which direction the traffic was coming and escort me safely to the other side. As we navigated through the buildings that Occupy Boston is currently protesting, he would rush to hold any doors that got in our way. I see a lot of shocking things, but I was slapped in the face with surprise; could it be? A real gentleman, wearing a real suit fully equipped with a pocket square none the less?!?!, be still my heart!! We arrived at my building and it dawned on me that it was actually “our” building. There was one thing that stood between us and a perfect elevator conversation and it was one revolving door.

The Stately Rule book of Gentleman-hood 101 clearly expresses that the man should enter the revolving door first, thus engaging the inertia of energy forward so that the woman doesn’t have to push so hard. So when he motioned that I go first, I was willing to overlook this as sometimes that act can be taken the wrong way, specifically from those “uneducated woman” this was a classic case of Men Thought vs. Woman Thought. I had conjured up the perfect sassy conversation starter and as I was rehearsing my flirtatious smile, my oversized bag became lodged between the door and the wall…..

The door came to a screaming halt.

(The following sequence of events happened within a mere 3 seconds…)

I naturally wanted to get my bag unstuck so I tugged as hard as I could, and as I tugged, Mr. by the Book came slamming face first into the glass panel behind me. Being the taller man that he was, the weight of his face plant partnered with the fact that the noise sent me into a terrified jerk, UN lodged my bag and sent the door into a full on revolve. In 5 inch stilettos and a short skirt, I came flying, spread eagle style, out the other side. I shot across “our” lobby; face down ass up, my skirt was well above my waist and my obsession with expensive undergarments exposed for all on the marble floor of 100 Federal. A happy Tuesday it was.

I lay on the floor praying to Lord Stanley that what had just transpired was a huge figment of my imagination….then I felt 2 hands flip me over and as I opened my eyes one by one, Mr. BTB was staring at me with 2 bruised peepers, a swollen lip and a nose that was freshly broken. With one hand holding his face and the other extended to help, even through mass trauma; he was still following every rule.

After the shock wore off, I started to hysterically laugh. I think I muttered out an “I’m so sorry” but it was completely muffled throughout my giggles and it didn’t help when he recanted that he had never seen a girl eat so much marble. Once semi calm I offered to get him some ice or at least hail him a cab to the doctors, but he, in true gentleman form declined. He escorted me to the elevator and through a laugh spoke of hopes that he could run into me again.
It wasn’t until an hour later that I realized that he wasn’t laughing at the situation, but moreover that my skirt had gotten lodged in the elastic band of my underwear and my makeup looked like I was the second coming of Ke$ha.

I never did see him again, but that’s ok. All of the security guards now hold my door for me every morning upon my arrival…………I can only imagine how many times that security tape has been played.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Episode 18: "Full Metal Jacket"

If someone were to ask me what the definition of a Dinner Party was, I would answer it in the following manner: The most uncomfortably awkward social situation ever invented by people who are miserable in their marriage.

Married friends invite their single girlfriends to their dinner parties for two reasons; to regale with their tales of single-dome and to fill the seat at the end of the table. I generally obliged to such invitations as these were a free meal with good wine, however as I have learned, nothing in this life is free….

“I have the most amazing friend for you!!!”I was actually surprised that we had gone an entire 35 minutes without the phrase of the hour being spoken, and normally I would be spicy enough to fire back some witty one liner; however multiple glass of wine impaired my sarcasm button. The only retort I seemed to muster was a simple head shake. As the nameless dinner party attendant continued to go on she asked me to hear her out, and like any proper guest would, I glazed over my eyes and tried to look as interested as possible.
“33, finance executive, condo in Beacon hill”
“Not Impressed, if you had to describe him in 4 words, what would it be?”
“Sold!!! To the inebriated dinner guest to my right”

I happily passed along the 10 digit direct line and after the proper 48 hours I had a voice mail with a rather funny introduction and proposed dates for a face to face meeting. I can’t lie, we had great phone chemistry and then I blinked and it was Saturday and I was getting ready for our lunch date as I try to not commit to a weekend evening with a stranger.

15 minutes late turned into 40 minutes late which turned into explicit directions to my house which turned into a whopping 60 minutes later than our scheduled departure time. Already super pissed off I was ready to cancel when I happened to glace down at his SUV and noticed two things: a full head of hair and garden roses on the front seat. I thought to myself, well…at least I know one head works.

I thought about making him wait at least 10 minutes, but since I was starving, and my street happens to be a one way; 3.4 minutes it was. I slowly strutted down the stairway and as I opened the door in my most awesome slow motion, wind in the hair way I could, our eyes met. I scanned down his face; the sun seemed to glisten off of his blue eyes catching a glimmer on my cheek.

And then I realized that it wasn’t the sun glistening off of his baby blues it was the light reflecting off of his MOUTH FULL OF METAL BRACES…WITH GREEN AND BLUE RUBBERS, HO.LEE.SHIT

I was shocked. I immediately texted my ex-friend
“There is no way in hell that a finance executive has metal braces with colored bands”
“Didn’t think it would be an issue”
“Anytime oral is compromised it’s an issue!”

I quickly decided that this was a nice guy, a nice looking guy minus the full metal jacket and I needed to get over the superficial stigma put forth on us in high school. Unfortunately my little pep talk didn’t work and while he was talking about his college years at some big name university I couldn't help but concentrate on the huge piece of blue cheese stuck in between his front tooth and his incisor. I tried to look away but I couldn't and then it happened. I gagged. I outwardly gagged and once I started I couldn't stop, I was beyond mortified stuck in limbo between gagging and choking. This wasn’t some run of the mill gag, this was full guttural. All of a sudden I had a waiter behind me trying to administer the Heimlich and I was trying to figure out how I got from a point A to point vomit, and why was this happening?? I had a nonexistent gag reflex!!

Mortified, bright red and puffy, I had to remove myself from the situation and halfway through my apology, I watched in horror as Mr. FMJ dug around his wires, removed big blue, and happily digested it. It was clear that I would not be RSVP-ing yes to another date invite.

That day I was thankful for 2 things; my ability to run in heels and fabulous 24 hour lipstick.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Episode 17: “Lights, Camera, Take Your Clothes Off”

A near-death experience (NDE) experiences associated with impending death, encompassing multiple possible sensations including detachment from the body; extreme fear; total serenity, or warmth; the experience of absolute dissolution; and the presence of a light.

Even though every single first date, last date, and date in-between has felt like an NDE, I unfortunately have had the displeasure of having an actual NDE…twice as a matter of fact. One involved a MACK truck and the other a wedding….

After my second brush with death I quickly realized that life was too short and I was missing out on everything; my revelation was that I didn’t know 1% of anything that existed in this world and it was my mission to try to figure out what life was all about. I had entered my “Year of the Yes” this was the time that no matter what came up; I was going to experience it.

Enter Mr. Snuff Film (not really, he actually made independent films, but this name was way more exciting)

We met at the Library. He was reading a book and I was lost. He offered directions only because the sound of my heels on the marble was distracting (minus one point for him) as was my eyes (plus 2 points for him) we struck up a conversation and the next thing I know we are at coffee and he is divulging me about his new film, written and directed by him, of course. You would be great as “Beth” he said. In my most coy manner I slipped him my business card and just said “find me”.

The script was in my hands the next day and was loving “Beth”. She was the totally normal, stable and strong girlfriend of the main character. I memorized my 4 lines that afternoon and begun to hone my technique; Eye lids up, look away, shock face, happy face, choking back tears, anger, resentment, fear…I had it all in my bag of tricks and I was going right to the top. Move over Jennifer Grey, there’s a new awkward girl in town.

“We LOVE you!!” I felt as if I had just won a pair of the “Something Blue” Manolos, of COURSE they loved me, I was a natural.
“What’s your schedule like tomorrow; we want you to come back for a second read”
The producer handed me the revised script and I went out running to the car. I made every call I could think of; Mom, Brother, Friends, Friends of Friends, PR agents, Magazines. I called a Stylist, a Dermatologist and I settled in to really enjoy the beginning of the beginning.

I got home, changed into sweats (as I was fully prepared to engulf all that was the character) and opened the script… Character Assessment for: KANDI APPLE-Heroin addicted prostitute living with rapid drug and sexual addictions. End Quote.

No no, I’m Beth! I yelled at the script. I fumbled around for my cell and quickly dialed and re-dialed Mr. SF until he picked up:
“Oh hey, so um, there…uh, I think that there may be a mistake because…”
“No” he said in a dramatic tone, “no mistake, you listen to me ok”
“Uh, ok”
“Your energy was vibrant today, I saw it, I saw it with my soul, you were giving off the stench of Kandi, it was vapid and raw and intoxicating. You were the essence of her.”
(cue silence)
“That stench was Chanel Chance, and I was wearing pearls for Christ’s sakes!”
“Pearls of sin” he said
“Sin?!?! They were pearls of South Pacific OYSTERS! Besides, the first line has me gurgling on stripper pole, naked, falling into a heroin OD”
“So…take your clothes off”
“oohhh child, you did NOT just say that”

After a brief explanation as to why the act of selling out my body was against my moral code, we in a scene out of JAWS, expressed our displeasure for the other and the situation at hand.

I was a lady after all, and deserved to be treated as such!… it was December and my wax-ist was out of town.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Episode 16: The Chronicles of On-Line dating….Part deux

Since part one was such a big hit (literally, probably the most read episode on Chasing Boston) I thought I would follow up with some slightly more awkward emails. I clearly have a knack for getting the real gems out there. With promises of better mornings, princess treatment and love caresses (can someone PLEASE explain this one!), how can I resist?? (cue gag reflex)

Subject: You and Me
Hi you gorgeous, yet a stranger with my resemblances! Yes, I mean you. Your profile brought a smile to my face. Since our paths have crossed, why don’t we go together on the road of friendship? I will seek to quench your thirst during the journey with the hope of better mornings and you will simply keep me company.

Subject: I truly love your profile
Hi! I loved your profile and would love to learn more about you. I am certain anyone who is as lovely as you has many men writing to her. But I believe we have much in common. By the way, I am a speech anxiety reduction expert and a professor of speech in a university not far from Boston. I am tall (6' 2 1/2") and blond and loving and affectionate and love caresses. I search for love and kindness and trustworthiness in a relationship. I am very impressed with you. I think "couple" can be defined this way best: love, respect, kindness, values, beliefs, faith, sense of humor, trust, communication, sexiness, hugs, kisses, and playfulness : -))))))))))))

Thank you and thank you for lifting me up. And I wish you the very best in your searching. I am hoping to meet my best friend and soul-mate. I search for my second half. I want a girl with strong values and who is also loving and affectionate. And, loving the Red Sox is great too!


(insert name here)

P.S. I liked your profile one of the best. Thanks again!

Note: his screen name is: ILuvHugsToo….nuff said.

Subject: I want to go into battle in your honor
Do you still play that French horn?
~Conan the Musical Barbarian

Subject: I’m Batman
Hey how are you? My name is Batman I have to say you have amazing eyes and a great smile. You should definitely do toothpaste commercials, I can be your manager, lol. Really hoping to make that dream of meeting the man of your dreams on the Internet come true, lol. I still believe in Chivalry and would treat you like the Princess that you are. I am also a good girlfriend and would definitely take you away like to Italy or somewhere else. All I would like this Memorial day is for your phone number. Looking for a woman that likes to travel to new places like my bedroom, lol. I think Hawaii is the best place I have visited so far, how about yourself? I look exactly like my pictures except the fact I used to be a woman, lol. Would love to take you to a Sox game my Dad has season tix. Well I would love to hear back from you if not I will probably cry like a little school girl.