Chase (v): To follow rapidly in order to catch (this could pertain to my career), to go and follow in pursuit (I think I’ll assign this to love)

I wish I had a PhD in life, unfortunately I don’t. It’s a hard thing to do and being an independent woman in Boston doesn’t make it any easier; I’m a triple A, work till I drop, laugh a lot because I can, walk fast, talk fast kinda girl. I do it all and I do it in 5 inch heels.

You would think navigating a career and a new relationship while breaking the age barrier of 30 would be as easy as getting home in a timely manner during a sox-yankees series (this ladies and gents is sarcasm at its finest). However it is not and I am stumbling through this cray cray life one day at a time with a iPhone in one hand and a glass of wine in the other.

These are my daily musings; my everyday observations. I am here to rave, rant , tell my stories and perhaps laugh at those times when wine and over priced shoes, tears just aren’t enough.

So what happens after you caught Prince Charming? You could say I’m still Chasing Boston.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Episode 6: “If It’s Too Good To Be True….Wait Until They Open Their Mouth”

I like to consider myself a lover of all men. I don’t discriminate; blond hair, brown hair, no hair, blue eyes, two eyes it doesn’t matter as I have a true appreciation for the Male Species. There is however is a special place in my heart for Mr. All American. You know exactly whom I’m referencing ladies; Blond Hair Blue Eyes, successful, Take Action type of guy, Crest White Smile with a touch of gentleman that stands at a dashingly height of 6ft……Ralph Lauren, EAT YOUR HEART OUT.

These types don’t come around very often and when they do, they usually have some sort of anorexic model thing hanging off of their arm (as if they couldn’t muster up the strength to hold that ridiculously oversized clutch AND their size negative 0 body at the same time.) so I was pretty taken aback when one of my friends suggested that her besty best was single, normal and the poster child for apple pie. She divulged about his successful career, his go get ‘em attitude, on and on and on and then came the photos; blond hair (check) blue eyes (check) 6ft (check)….”so what is wrong with him” I asked? “Probably the same thing as you”, she replied… “Well then touché.” Little did I know she was plotting the revenge of a lifetime.

Our mutual friend set up the exchange of numbers and I was surprised when I got a text just a short time later (for all you kids out there, that’s what adults do these days……text, God forbid you actually call anyone) and I had a date that following Tuesday Evening.

He promptly arrived at 8pm….just like a gentleman, I met him outside, he opened my door…..just like a gentleman, and then he opened his mouth…….

“so…haw’d cha like t’hose Facking Red Sahx huh?” thaaaats right folks I was sitting in a brand new ridiculously overpriced penis extension of a “cah” with Will Hunting… Apparently my dear friend never got over the fact that I accidently kicked her in the face during cheering practice. She got a nose job out of it; don’t know what the big deal was!

I figured if nothing else this would make for an interesting evening. I wasn’t sure what I was more in awe of; the fact that he actually did talk like that or the sheer volume in which he spoke, and every time I said “what?” he talked louder. NO I don’t need you to talk louder…I NEED YOU TO ANNUNCIATE!

Yes for the record he did order a “P.B.AH” and a shot of “Jeggah”, and yes for the record I ordered the same thing….when in Rome….or When out with Johnny Southie….HEY BAH-TENDAH ANOTHER ROUND!!! Yankees Suck!!(cue high 5)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Episode 5: “You Can Walk the Walk, but can you Sext the Text?”

Mr. “I’m Too Sexy For My Text” came wafting in and out of my life quicker than that Prada Parfume I insisted on wearing for 1 whole week until I realized that it was a bad decision, a very bad, unpleasant decision. Too bad only one of them had a return policy.

Its times like these that I start to think I could be too picky, but in reality I’m looking for IT, I don’t want almost or maybe, and he fell somewhere in-between Hell to the No and OMG you’re kidding right?

First and foremost I have to say that I am a huge proponent for the sext game; there is nothing better than getting either the subtle little hot message in the middle of the day or the full out graphic text where every single word makes you sweat. This guy not only missed the mark he struck out before he even got up to bat.

Its fair game as far as I’m concerned with what you say and when you say it, but there is one important rule; for the love of God don’t be awkward, and always always always read before your send (I guess that’s two, but who’s counting?) . I thought maybe he was a newbie to the game, and I’m just being hard on him, but I was looking for enlightenment in a possible relationship and I sure got it, there it was in my inbox.

I like to read these kinds of messages in a slow fashion, taking in every word and every thought as if I can absorb the exact feelings of the sender and this started out at a 10 “The thought of sliding deep inside you makes me…….” And then I read the last word: “Smile” well technically he wrote “mile” but I assume he meant smile

I’m sorry, sphincter says what?? Really? Smile… couldn’t think of another anything to put in there??? Maybe that’s all he had seeing as he hadn’t performed the aforementioned activity, but COME ON! I can think of a plethora of nouns to insert into slot B and none of them are the word smile or mile for that matter

Unfortunately the horror didn't stop there, and I was slapped with a phrase that ended in “Mutual Pleasure” WHHHHATTTT? Is this the Harvard Theology Department of Stimulating Members of the Female Persuasion? I didn’t even know how to respond….mutual pleasure?? Please clarify…..on second thought don’t, as I have been scarred enough for one evening.

I like to consider myself reactive in every situation possible, but this left me speechless, literally I could not find the words to respond. So I didn’t but If I could turn back time, I would say “You had me until your silly little smiling game got out of hand; ring the bell, your down for the count…..NEXT!!!”